Category Archives: Random

Photo Feedback

This morning, I was filled with the obsession to find a new site to post my pictures. Somewhere that others can give unbiased feedback. The only thing I really came across was 500px. I forgot that I already signed up several years ago, but never used it. I’m locked out, so I created a new account: LadySkullshine1.

Normally I will share some pictures and random memes on Instagram and sometimes Facebook. On rare occasions I will post personal pics that I’m really proud of, moments I’ve captured, things I just want to share with others. I appreciate everyone’s likes and comments, more than they will ever know. I just wish I knew what they truly thought. I enjoy learning how to do things better and progressing. I’m not fully convinced 500px is what I was looking for, but it’s a start.

In the meantime, here are a few of my favorite flower pictures that I recently took. Some are from my porch, my birthday, and flowers I got my daughter. Check them out and let me know what you think. You can also follow me on Instagram.

Thank you for visiting my site and reading my blog!
– Jessie

What’s In A Name? Anxiety

I posted earlier today about changes I just made to my site. I mentioned my OCD being a factor. I actually wrote more about it, along with other issues, but I decided to separate the posts.

I would post a lot more, but my anxiety takes control and throws me for a loop. Every single time.

One of the issues that I face constantly is really silly. I have a lot of trouble just naming a post. I do it at the very end and it will literally delay things from being published. I really want something that will capture what I am saying, and will grab someone’s attention.

It’s not just the act of naming the post, it’s what transpires from there.

As I try to find the right words, my anxiety takes over. None of the words seem to fit properly. Then, I wonder if anyone even reads the title and what I have to say, or really cares to begin with. I begin to second guess myself altogether. By then, I’ve already read my post repeatedly. I constantly check for errors, better words, rearrange, and delete things. But, I do it again. Except this time, I determine if it’s even worth posting.

Sometimes, all of this just leads to another post in the drafts folder.

When I do finally hit the publish button, my anxiety and panic takes on a whole other level. I think about who will see it and what people will think of me. Will they judge me? I get embarrassed that I said something stupid, didn’t make sense, or made mistakes.

I also think about the fact that I have followers from all different stages of my life. I am not at all who I was before, or before that. But did they even really know me when the knew me? Probably not. I wonder if I’m judged by a characteristic that I had at that time, but I’ve grown since then. Do they know that?

Does their past judgement affect their current views of what I have to say now, as a very different person.

I know all of this is in my head and a lot of it is trivial. I’m my biggest critic and constantly push myself. I want to do more, but then I feel like it doesn’t matter. I distance myself until I find my inspiration to return.

Sometimes it just helps to know that I’m really helping someone.

Tourette’s: Scarlet’s Vocal Tics

I previously wrote about my 13 year old daughter, in My Scarlet Always Sharing. Several years ago, she had been diagnosed with Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder, Autism, Tourette’s, Depression, and ADHD. Scarlet is all about awareness, sharing her experiences and feelings, and helping others. We chatted about this multiple times, so I will start a new section for her shortly.

Today, I wanted to share an audio clip that Scarlet recently posted on her Instagram. (Don’t have your speaker volume too high when you listen to it.) She wants others to know what it’s like when she has vocal tics. She described it in her own post as “VOCAL TICS: Tic attacks can last for a few seconds to sometimes minutes. They are extremely tiring and sometimes hurt if physical. #tourettesawareness”.

What you will hear is just one of a series of vocal tics that Scar experiences. She sometimes will scream, make loud noises, or shout words repeatedly. This happens several times a day, along with her physical tics. Those may include clapping, hitting things or herself. These tics can be especially tiring and painful for her. It’s sometimes difficult to differentiate what is happening. I can tell for the most part if she is okay, or if I need to check in on her. But when I’m not sure and she is irritated, I run the risk of escalating things even further. I try to approach everything lightly, meanwhile I’m a mess inside. I’m always worried about my baby and how everything affects her. It’s my job to make her environment the best I possibly can.

Here is the audio clip I mentioned. Again, don’t have your speakers too loud.

Happy For Online School

I am really glad that my girls convinced me to let them do online school so many years ago. Especially with how everything is right now. Honestly, I was already partially on board from the start. I just needed to make sure it was right for them. They are both extremely intelligent (like all moms say), but they really are brilliant.

I let my oldest Haley try it first and she excelled. It worked out perfect for her. Scarlet started shortly after Haley, because she is younger and has special needs. She was going through a lot in general, already having trouble in school, and also being bullied at the time. Scarlet was always the one to stand up for anyone being bullied and stood her ground. Now, no one stuck up for her, and even her best friend was nasty to her. She had been missing a lot of school. They put her on a 504 Program to help get her through the rest of the year. I then had her start online school through our district, but we moved and had to start again at another cyber school. Eventually, I found an one that anyone can attend, no matter where they live.

The new online school has been great working with us. She now has an Individualized Education Plan and gets one hour of school counselling every week via Zoom. Scarlet hates the camera, so they let her turn it off. Physical and online school has been a major struggle for her. She doesn’t understand something, then quickly gets overwhelmed, and her tics get a lot worse. Once that gets to a certain point, she shuts down and nothing gets done. I had to find ways to prevent that, but also make sure she is still submitting her work.

Scarlet is definitely doing a lot better now in Summer School. I monitor all of her assignments and make a new list for her daily. It shows how many assignments are in each subject and her current grade. I am learning the lessons with her so that I can teach her in other ways that she understands. We just have to get through another week this summer. She will then be in a new program where she will enter seventh grade in the fall, then graduate eighth grade in the spring. Some subjects are grouped together so it’s not as much work. For example, Science and Math are one lesson.

All of this sounds like a lot. I understand that online school is not for everyone, and not everyone is able to do it. It’s especially tough in case of special needs. There’s pros and cons either way. Honestly, when I compare it to sending her to a physical school, I’d take online any day. I just have to work harder to make sure Scarlet is managing things better. Who is better to do that than Mom?

Scarlet’s Dark Art

So my friend invited us to her “Dark Art” event, benefiting Glaucoma research. The idea was to paint as though you are blind, using unknown colors and items to paint with. It was this past Sunday, but we weren’t able to attend. I thought it would be nice for my daughter Scarlet to still participate from home. When I told her, she was really excited about doing this. Scarlet loves to paint and loves to help others with awareness. So it was right up her alley.

Once I had everything in the area covered, we got started. I blind folded Scarlet and gave her a few random items. I wasn’t sure what she could really use but I grabbed a pencil, a straw, some cotton balls, q-tips, and a plastic paint tool. I picked out pink, purple, yellow, and pearl paint colors. Then got my camera ready to record and take pictures, of course.

She started off with the cotton balls for the sky. At one point, she turned the canvas sideways without realizing it. Part way through, we had to pause filming. There was way too much paint all over her hands, so I had to run to get wet wipes. Her eyes stayed covered the whole time. I even called her out at one point just to make sure. Later in the video, she reached back for a wet wipe and I yelled “Don’t touch me!” lol.

It was very messy, but she had a lot of fun. We will most likely do this or something like it again. For the event, my friends had to paint for an hour and a half. Scarlet painted for a lot less than than that. We got about six minutes recorded and lots of pictures. Ignore the part where I fall through Scarlet’s hamper LMAO.

My Scarlet. Always Sharing, Helping

Very few know this, but my youngest daughter suffers from a few disabilities. I belong to several Facebook groups relating to Autism, Tourette’s, Children with Disabilities, and so on. I like to read through the posts and think about how it relates or not. On a very slim occasion, I will comment with some of our own experiences. I say slim because I rarely post or comment on anything to begin with, let alone a stranger’s post in a public group. Not to mention, while they may be reaching out, they may not care what I have to say.

I keep to myself about a lot of things, especially with how the world is today. But I really wouldn’t mind sharing our experiences or any suggestions, if it will help anyone else. My daughter also feels the same way. We’ve talked about it often and she loves to help others. With that said, I’ll give you a little bit of her background.

My daughter Scarlet is 13 years old. She had a seizure right before her first birthday. She’s had asthma and allergies for most of her life, along with severe eye problems and trouble walking. Several years ago, she was diagnosed with Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder. They later said she had Autism and referred us to a Neurologist, who then confirmed her diagnosis for Tourette’s. She has since been diagnosed with Depression and ADHD.

Scarlet has been through a lot of medications, doctors, therapists, coping skills, emotions, and broken items. It’s been a long and windy road. There is still the occasional meltdown along with bouts of severe tics, but we manage it a lot better. Some of those meltdowns have been my own, wishing I could do better and do more to help her.

That’s just a few tidbits. Since I know Scar is comfortable with it, I think I might share a bit more about our experiences here. Maybe some coping skills we have learned, adventures we end up on, symptoms, silly moments, and so on. I might add some of her art as well. She loves to paint. It helps her a lot. She has a lot of great qualities and is full of so much love. She is my Sunshine.

Invisible? Anxiety Driven Rant

Sometimes I feel completely invisible. Not heard or seen. I’m not referring to anyone or thing in particular causing it. It’s just a sad feeling in general that comes over me at times. Then I battle through all the emotions that come with it.

Most times, my anxiety takes control and forces me to want to hide. While other times, I feel like I’m jumping up and down screaming look at me! look at me! (like Mr. Meseeks from Rick & Morty)

I hate it. It interferes with so many things. Like, how do I go from one moment of hiding from the world, then the very next moment I feel ignored and get upset. I just want to go one day with zero anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and all those wonderful mental battles. It would definitely help my other health issues as well. But no matter how much I work on my mindset and make it seem like I have it all under control on the outside, I’m a train wreck on the inside.

Alexa Is Growing On Me

A while back, I posted “Alexa. Was I Just Paranoid?”. I had explained that originally, I wasn’t on board with the Alexas, Siri, and all that. I love technology, but I just didn’t feel comfortable with it. I finally came to the realization that if I’m going to be paranoid, then I might as well get rid of all of our technology. I won’t do that. So, I managed to find a great deal and we bought two Echo dots. That was a few months ago.

The Echos have definitely been very handy. I ask Alexa to set timers for me every time I cook. My fiance often asks his Echo to tell him jokes. She’ll let us know when our Amazon packages are arriving and remind us to feed the puppy. We failed to set up the Roku, but I’ll try again when I can focus on it. We also use them as an intercom system in our home. Not to mention, all the googling she’s done for us.

Recently, I have been really interested in the smart bulbs. I just didn’t quite understand exactly how they worked. I did some research, then ordered a set which arrived today. I set them up, connected the Echo, and I love them. There are so many colors and you can cycle through them. The reading light setting is really bright. I’m so glad that I ordered these bulbs. I even got them free! I’m testing the bulbs and providing a report to the merchant.

I have no regrets buying the Echo Dots and now we have beautiful lighting in our home with ease of control. Have I said how much I love technology?

Today Is My Birthday!

Happy 45th birthday to me! 45?! And still sparkly!!

It really was an awesome day! It started with a birthday text from my Haley, chocolate chip cookies with Scarlet, flowers from my mom, randomly found notes and home made cards from my Scarlet and my fiance Sully.

I appreciate all the experiences throughout my life so far, good and bad. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and learned a lot. No matter where life takes me, my greatest achievement ever will always be my babygirls. I’m beyond proud and grateful, and would be lost without them!

Always Rearranging

I am always rearranging everything. Physical things around me, my site, social accounts, spreadsheets, and so on. (Even my life has changed so many times, but that’s a post for another day.) It doesn’t help that my ADHD and OCD constantly battle each other. Then add my memory loss, among other things. It’s out of control.

I rearrange drawers, cabinets, paperwork, nick nacks, and anything that isn’t bolted down. My family often gets mad at me for this. They can’t find the things that were there before. I always justify that it’s in such a better spot now. Then I sometimes forget where I moved them to.

I reorganize my spreadsheets before I complete the tasks that they were created for. I have a budget spreadsheet that has morphed so many times. I also have several test budget spreadsheets that never went much further than that. I often get so heavily involved in a sheet, then get sidetracked. A lot of times, I forget that I created them and what my intentions were.

I rearrange my site to better organize it so it flows and looks cleaner. I’m always trying it out this way or that way. Then a week later, I learn something and try to implement it. At some point later, I decide to change something else. Then I’m looking at different themes. During all of this, I think that no one will probably even notice the changes. I’m also not posting as much while this is happening because I get so overly involved with the layout. (By the way, I’m about to change the home page….I think.)

So with all that said, please forgive me for constantly moving things.
I’m really not trying to annoy anyone.


My Day: Car & Sprinker Dilemmas

We started off our day excited to get out for a bit, wash the new car, pick up some groceries, and whatnot. Then come home and run the sprinkler for my Scarlet and our puppy Bastian. Then reality set in.

Long story short, I recently sold my VW Convertible and purchased a Subaru wagon. We haven’t driven it much yet. Today we ventured out on our happy way, until we noticed that we couldn’t go over 20 mph. We pulled over and popped the hood to check things out. After a bit, we decided to get the car back home. So, none of our above mentioned things got done and now my car won’t work.

Once home, my daughter reminded me that we planned to set up the sprinkler. We don’t have a pool, the public one is closed, so it’s the next best thing. Or so I thought. Scarlet never played with a sprinkler before so she was excited to try it out. She got her bathing suit on and we got Bashy outside. I got the hose connected, and then the sprinkler. We started it up and yay! ….???

Bastian stretched out his chain as far as he could go to get away from the water. Scarlet jumped around a bit while trying to adjust the sprinkler to different spray settings. She said she was good and to turn it off. I disconnected the hose, it sprayed everywhere and got her in the eyes. I ran to shut it off and got everyone inside. Once everything calmed down, I asked if she at least had a little fun in the water. She said no, her and Bastian were terrified.

I guess we will be looking into small pool options. After, the car is brought back to life…hopefully.

Our Puppy Bashy

We have a black lab/ pitbull mixed puppy named Sebastian. He will be eight years old this year. He is my daughter’s Emotional Support Animal. I couldn’t imagine our lives without him.

When we rescued Bashy, he was only about five weeks old, and already had maybe three or four homes. I’m pretty sure he was on Craigslist at some point too. When I met with the last owner, they just gave him up like it was no big deal. I felt horrible for him. He was really tiny, full of worms and fleas. We got him to the vet and he was better in no time.

Bastian was originally supposed to be my puppy. My youngest daughter Scarlet really connected with him. She would carry him around and tell him what to do. He followed her everywhere and let her lay on him as he got bigger. While he is the most gentle, loving dog, he’s very protective of us both. Even when Scarlet and I are goofing around, he is on guard to make sure we don’t hurt each other. He gets so worked up that he dumps out his bin of toys and starts to rip them around.

Here’s just a few of my favorite pics of our Bashy.

Cha ching cha cha ching cha ching

The loud, annoying, embarrassing sounds coming from the Coinstar.
Even more amplified by my ridiculous anxiety.

When I start the Coinstar machine, it is very loud. I feel like everyone is looking at me. Then I begin dumping the clanky coins, which always seems to be never ending. I feel like I’m in my own world just watching the coins, pushing them around as they get stuck, refilling the tray, and so on. It’s almost like a trance. In the meantime, I’m having panic attacks. I get really warm and my face gets red. I feel like everyone knows I’m a mess.

It happens every time without fail. No matter how I approach it or what I tell myself. I’m not entirely sure which part of my mental issues causes it, but it’s not a fun experience. I hate it. I hate the anxiety that comes over me. I don’t care that every few grocery trips, I have to lug a heavy coffee canister full of change to the store. I’m not embarrassed to use the machine. I’m embarrassed that it affects me this way.

I appreciate that we have the change to begin with. Whenever my fiance is sorting and researching his boxes of coins, the less interesting ones go into the canister. It’s recycled money, but it makes me feel better to turn it into Amazon cash to be used on family and household items. Knowing that helps me to get through my silly bout of anxiety. I just wish I could control it better to begin with.

Happy Mom’s Day!

I had a pretty good day yesterday. My 13 year old Scarlet had already bought me pink and purple petunias with her own money the day before. I took her out with me to ride in the car and we happened to see a flower tent. She used her allowance and found a buy one get one deal. Saving money, just like her mom lol. Then on Mother’s Day, my 20 year old Haley texted me first thing in the morning to brighten my day. Later on, Scarlet played the song “Mom” by Meghan Trainor as she sang along.

I’m so very grateful for my babygirls. They are my everything.
Without them, I wouldn’t be Mama Bear.

“Mom” By Meghan Trainor
Lyrics per AZLyrics

You might have a mom, she might be the bomb
But ain’t nobody got a mom like mine
Her love’s ’til the end, she’s my best friend
Ain’t nobody got a mom like mine

She my world, she’s my heart and there’s no denying
I’m her girl no matter what even when I’m lying
She loving me, loving me, loving me, loving me, love
She love me like nobody else
I’m telling you, telling you, telling you, telling you all
She taught me how to love myself

You might have a mom, she might be the bomb
But ain’t nobody got a mom like mine
Her love’s ’til the end, she’s my best friend
Ain’t nobody got a mom like mine

See we go way back, oh, I remember
All the times that I cried, she made me feel better
She loving me, loving me, loving me, loving me, love
She love me like nobody else
I’m telling you, telling you, telling you, telling you all
She taught me how to love myself

You might have a mom, she might be the bomb
But ain’t nobody got a mom like mine
Her love’s ’til the end, she’s my best friend
Ain’t nobody got a mom like mine
Oh, how she loves me to the moon and back
That’s what she told me
Her love never ends, she’s my best friend
Ain’t nobody got a mom like mine

I was just wanted to call you to tell you I love you
Aww, I love you, too
I miss you already
Aww, that’s so sweet, what’s going on?
Just writing songs, my mom song
Aww, I love you to the moon and back
My heart hurts, I love you so much
I love you more

You might have a mom, she might be the bomb
But ain’t nobody got a mom like mine
Her love’s ’til the end, she’s my best friend
Ain’t nobody got a mom like mine
You might have a mom, she might be the bomb
But ain’t nobody got a mom like mine
Her love’s ’til the end, she’s my best friend
Ain’t nobody got a mom like mine
Oh, how she loves me to the moon and back
That’s what she told me

Her love never ends, she’s my best friend
Ain’t nobody got a mom like mine
Ain’t nobody got a mom like mine
Baby, baby, ain’t nobody, no
Ain’t nobody got a mom like mine

Save The Fairy Homes!

Long, long ago…

I always told my girls when they were little “Don”t walk on the grass. You might step on a fairy. The mushrooms are their homes, so be especially careful.” We would smile, laugh, and look for mushrooms.

My ex father in law would then say “Step on all the mushrooms, kill all the fairies”. My girls would get all excited, run around, and smash the mushrooms. I would shout “Nooooo!!!!” and it would be too late. Except, when I said “no” it came out “Noah”. He would come back with “Noah? He built the ark!” LMAO!

Just the sight of a mushroom, brings back this rush of silly memories.

Good Morning Sunshine

Every day, is a new adventure.

I start off a lot of mornings singing “You Are My Sunshine” to my sleepy daughter. I don’t sing very well and I often mess up the words to every song. But my happy intentions are always there. I just watch my level of annoyance, especially when she’s just waking up.

Usually, she doesn’t get up right away. So I take out her puppy Bashy. I always search for the biggest, brightest dandelion to bring back to my babygirl. I return singing about the prettiest flower for the prettiest girl as she finally wakes up. This time, she thanks me and tells me that Bashy will enjoy munching on the dandelion later.

How do you like to start your day?

The Law Of Attraction

According to The Law Of Attraction.com:

“Simply put, the Law of Attraction is the ability to attract into our lives whatever we are focusing on. It is believed that regardless of age, nationality or religious belief, we are all susceptible to the laws which govern the Universe, including the Law of Attraction. It is the Law of Attraction which uses the power of the mind to translate whatever is in our thoughts and materialize them into reality. In basic terms, all thoughts turn into things eventually.”


The basic premise is: Whatever you send out into the universe is what you will get back.

Think happy thoughts and good things will come. If you are plagued with negative thoughts, more doom will come to you. It’s as basic as that, but also somewhat complicated.

A lot of times things happen and we immediately say “Oh, what a coincidence!” and then laugh about it. That’s the law of attraction. Think about a song and see how long until you hear it randomly. Or try thinking about a person and they may cross your path or call you out of nowhere. There’s so many things we can create in our lives just by focusing our thoughts. Thoughts really are things.

You have to also believe. It’s part of the three step process: Ask, Believe, Receive.

It’s like the Genie in the Bottle concept. Think about what you would like more of in your life and Ask for that. Then Believe you deserve it and imagine that it is yours already. Have faith that whatever force it may be, it will bring you what you want. This could be the Genie if you like, or God, or the universe, or whatever it is that you have belief in. Then, pay attention and you will notice that you will Receive what you have focused on. If you are thinking about bills, more bills will come. So watch what your thoughts. This may take practice and tweaking until you get more used to the idea.

I have personally found that the law of attraction is a reality.

I know it all seems ridiculous. I hear it all the time. Which is why I rarely discuss it. It’s usually considered a big joke to mostly everyone I encounter. So, I keep it to myself. I don’t let anyone else’s negativity affect my world. I know first hand that it works. I’ve witnessed it naturally, as well as after testing the concept.

Of course, I’m no expert. But I have read, listened to, and watched any and all of the books that I could find regarding this. One of which, is called The Secret. It is probably the most well known books/movies on the subject. I actually have multiple copies of it. One to mark up, one to keep nice, and one to lend out if needed. It’s not rocket science, but it’s definitely a mind game to get through and to remain consistent. My mind is usually racing non stop in a hundred different directions. It can be difficult to weed out the thoughts that are hindering. I definitely know the struggle.

Even if you don’t believe in the Law of Attraction, it’s still a universal law that is happening all around you.

Besides, why not just try be more positive anyway? It feels better and makes others happy too. It only makes sense that more positive things should come. If they don’t, do be discouraged. There’s always a sparkle of silver, even in the worst situations. Stay positive and don’t let anything pull you down. At some point, you’ll find yourself on a better path to more positive things coming your way.


What experiences have you had with the Law Of Attraction?

Sparkles

Another one of my nicknames is “Sparkles”. I love sparkles! Plus, I am generally a very happy, unicorns and rainbows kind of person. I do my best to stay positive no matter what.

Oh, I definitely have my moments of quite the opposite. Also, I recently went through quite a bit of devastation. So I did lose my sparkle for a bit. But overall, one of my mottos really is Smile, Sparkle, Shine!

I recall when I used to work in the office and at the lab, I was always the annoying happy girl with ADHD. I would be at work as early as 6 AM, chugging massive amounts of caffeine. I used to get a large iced latte with three extra turbo shots every single morning before work. That’s when I was called “Turbo Sparkles”. I stayed happy and bouncy all day. The more annoyed my coworkers were, the more I wanted to share my happiness. This was not quite appreciated by everyone.

I never thought it was a bad thing, so I never understood why I always caught so much flack for it. Everyone is always so busy being gretzy about everything and bringing everyone else down with them. I’d rather be the weird happy girl that people think is oblivious. I’m really not, I just refuse to get sucked into all that negativity. It’s really not worth it.

Smile! Sparkle! Shine!

Alexa. Was I Just Paranoid?

I broke down and joined the bandwagon.
I purchased two Echo Dots the other day.

When they first came out, I was very much against anything of the sort. I was paranoid about them listening to everything we say. Not that it’s a major deal, we aren’t doing anything illegal or concerning. It’s just uncomfortable. Not to mention, a few other disturbing things I heard about them.

At that time, I dismissed them altogether.
I really just never thought I would ever have one. Until now.

My fiance thought it would be a good idea to have them for a few reasons. The one feature that I do like the most so far, is that we can use it as an intercom. I can talk to him quickly and easily when he is in the basement. Or if he needs something, he doesn’t have to take the stairs unnecessarily. He has multiple sclerosis, so it can sometimes pose a difficult task. That alone, makes it worth it. And of course, I found the best deal that I could.

Part of me is actually excited to try it out. I do love technology.
Also, I really think I’m over my paranoia.

Was it just me? Or do others have concerns with Alexa and other similar services?