Tag Archives: anxiety

Autism Awareness Month

“April is Autism Awareness month, but every day is Autism Awareness in our home.” This is definitely true.

My youngest daughter Scarlet is 14. She was diagnosed with Autism in 2017. She also has Tourette’s Syndrome, ADHD, Disruptive Mood Deregulation Disorder, and Anxiety. It’s been a very difficult struggle for her on so many levels. It’s also sometimes difficult to pinpoint what is distressing her in particular, since there are so many different symptoms and triggers depending on what is going on.

She has really come to embrace her disabilities, and we have a much better understanding now. I pretty much let Scarlet do whatever she wants to an extent. She’s a good kid, very intelligent, and understanding. She just gets loud and her emotions are extremely heightened. I never yell at her, unless absolutely needed. We have certain code words or things I do to indicate that she is getting out of hand. But that is reserved for when she is screaming or being extremely loud for no reason. When that happens, I yell the word “octavius” and everyone knows it’s time to calm down.

Scarlet’s biggest issue really now is with school. We tried regular school on a few different occasions. Since that didn’t work out very well, we moved on to cyber school a couple years ago. It’s been a bit better, but still not going great.

She gets really overwhelmed easily with school. Last year, she completely shut down and refused to do anything at all. Nothing mattered whatsoever. This year has been a lot better. Scarlet has mandatory live classes that she attends daily. She even participates in class. She gets a decent amount of work done during school. Once in a while, she will need a break. I let her go because of her massive progress she has made already. I don’t want to push her too much and have her shut down all over again.

Her school has her set up in the 504 program with special education. Scarlet is also in a new class where there combine two grades into one. She started with seventh grade and would graduate from eighth. She only has two subjects, with study halls, support sessions, and school therapy. She has difficulty processing things so I sit through each class with her to make sure she is focused and understands. If not, I explain it to her a different way. She made Honor Roll in the first marking period, but failed the second. She has a plan set up to finish out the year in better shape. She will then be in eighth grade, with an opportunity again to graduate ninth by the end of the year.

Other than school, there’s just a few times here and there that there has a major flare up or what we call “episodes”. Regardless, she still gets bouts of massive tics. Whatever she may have going on, she holds it in a bit when we are in public. If I’m with her, she will often hang onto me, sometimes digging her nails into me too. She will especially hold back around certain family members. When that happens, she tends to shake really bad. They don’t believe in disabilities and blame me for Scarlet’s issues. Once she gets home, she lets it all out and it’s usually pretty bad for a little bit.

I hate seeing Scarlet going through so much in general, but I’m very proud of her. She has made incredible progress. She is very open to anyone who wants to know what it’s like to have disabilities and what she experiences on a daily basis. She also loves helping other people who are having issues.

While it’s definitely been difficult for everyone involved, it has also been a positive experience of learning and growing together that has brought us even closer and more in touch with each other. I appreciate that very much.


Political Judgement Anxiety

I made a post on Facebook today. I rarely do that. It was due to the politically enraged posts I’ve been seeing. I have enough anxiety as it is over who will win the election. I just felt the need to express myself. I actually wrote what I wanted to say about a day or two ago, then never shared it. Luckily it was still in my drafts. Of course I read it again and reworded it. Several times. Panic set in. I hesitated multiple times.

Then finally posted this…

I’m sorry for the long post but I feel the need to say this. It’s regarding the recent flood of political posts.

I see my friends and family members arguing either on their own pages or even on public news ones. Or those that say to unfriend them for this or that. I read and continue scrolling, knowing how that person feels. I don’t delete or comment. I don’t normally discuss politics anyways, but it’s to the point that I’ve been worried to even hint who I voted for. I’m afraid I will be judged and will lose some people that I truly consider friends.

That’s sad. It’s sad I’m worried about that, but it’s also sad that some of you would actually delete me just for that reason. I just know how strongly some of you feel and how savage you’ve been. I also know the friendships I’ve had with some of you that I’d hate to lose.

Honestly, I don’t unfriend for different views or ways of life. I do not judge anyone based on age, race, diet preference, religion, gender, music choice, sexual preference, profession, friend affiliation, political party, or what color narwhal you choose to be for the day.

I care that you are a decent human being. That’s it. That’s all. Be good to yourself and others.

Sorry again for the long post. Thanks for reading! ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ฒ๐Ÿค—โœŒ

After I posted it, I couldn’t breathe. I closed my phone and made dinner. When I checked my notifications, I saw that a few others have agreed. I felt better. I understand having strong views and wanting to be heard, but things are so very out of control. People are only dividing themselves, creating hate and destruction on so many levels.

I’m sure I’ll be judged for wanting things to be all unicorns and sparkles, but then everyone already knows that about me LOL.

Thanks for visiting.


Vicious Mental Cycles

This morning, I had an appointment with my doctor. I’m so happy these have been virtual. I had to go over my mental health treatment plan. The place where I get my head medications and therapy does this every so often. It’s basically to review my progress from where I was last time compared to how I feel now. I’m actually in a lot better of a place than I was before. I knew I was, but not to this extent. It definitely made me feel a lot better.

As per usual, my anxiety and panic attacks are constantly through the roof. I haven’t been on edge quite as much though. Next, you have the out of control OCD and ADHD tendencies. Oh, and my cringing PTSD symptoms are the same. However, I do feel like my depression, anger, and impulses have gotten a lot better. Yeah I’m still a major mess. (My therapist won’t let me say “train wreck” anymore.)

One of my issues that really irritates me is this constant vicous cycle that I keep falling into. To start, and I hate saying it, but I have a really hard time waking up. It’s like my brain is just still numb from the previous day’s craziness. I used to open my eyes and just stare in space, then periodically fall back to sleep. I’ve gotten a lot better with that. I’m up earlier and just get up and start doing things. You know, like a normal person would do.

My mind is constantly racing nonstop. I’m always doing several different projects at once. I get super focused for a while. I also get side tracked really easily. And very often. A lot of the time, I have a hard time prioritizing. I know what’s most important and what should be done first. I also make lists to help me organize. I just feel like everything has to be done right now. Then I get overwhelmed and can’t sort things out or even think straight.

As the day goes on, I’m scrambling to get it all finished. It quickly becomes evening, and I get really upset with myself. I barely did anything on my list, if I even looked at it at all. Over time, I’ve even used several different formats of lists in an attempt to see what will help me the most. I’m still working on that. Bedtime comes and my mind will never shut down.

I feel guilty for sleeping because I still have so many things to do. I feel like I’ve let others down. I want to get up and keep going. I want to write things down that cross my mind. I want to do some brainstorming. I want to hop on the computer and do some tasks or surveys for extra money. Then I worry that I might wake someone up. Or I might sleep in even longer if I stay up too late. I already have a really hard time sleeping. At some point, I finally pass out. I wake up multiple times throughout the night.

Then I struggle to wake up, and do it all again.

It’s a constant struggle, but I am working on it. I’m sorry to anyone this has affected. I really don’t mean for it to happen. It gives me even more anxiety just thinking about it.

Yet, I keep getting stuck in this vicious cycle.


What’s In A Name? Anxiety

I posted earlier today about changes I just made to my site. I mentioned my OCD being a factor. I actually wrote more about it, along with other issues, but I decided to separate the posts.

I would post a lot more, but my anxiety takes control and throws me for a loop. Every single time.

One of the issues that I face constantly is really silly. I have a lot of trouble just naming a post. I do it at the very end and it will literally delay things from being published. I really want something that will capture what I am saying, and will grab someone’s attention.

It’s not just the act of naming the post, it’s what transpires from there.

As I try to find the right words, my anxiety takes over. None of the words seem to fit properly. Then, I wonder if anyone even reads the title and what I have to say, or really cares to begin with. I begin to second guess myself altogether. By then, I’ve already read my post repeatedly. I constantly check for errors, better words, rearrange, and delete things. But, I do it again. Except this time, I determine if it’s even worth posting.

Sometimes, all of this just leads to another post in the drafts folder.

When I do finally hit the publish button, my anxiety and panic takes on a whole other level. I think about who will see it and what people will think of me. Will they judge me? I get embarrassed that I said something stupid, didn’t make sense, or made mistakes.

I also think about the fact that I have followers from all different stages of my life. I am not at all who I was before, or before that. But did they even really know me when the knew me? Probably not. I wonder if I’m judged by a characteristic that I had at that time, but I’ve grown since then. Do they know that?

Does their past judgement affect their current views of what I have to say now, as a very different person.

I know all of this is in my head and a lot of it is trivial. I’m my biggest critic and constantly push myself. I want to do more, but then I feel like it doesn’t matter. I distance myself until I find my inspiration to return.

Sometimes it just helps to know that I’m really helping someone.

Invisible? Anxiety Driven Rant

Sometimes I feel completely invisible. Not heard or seen. I’m not referring to anyone or thing in particular causing it. It’s just a sad feeling in general that comes over me at times. Then I battle through all the emotions that come with it.

Most times, my anxiety takes control and forces me to want to hide. While other times, I feel like I’m jumping up and down screaming look at me! look at me! (like Mr. Meseeks from Rick & Morty)

I hate it. It interferes with so many things. Like, how do I go from one moment of hiding from the world, then the very next moment I feel ignored and get upset. I just want to go one day with zero anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and all those wonderful mental battles. It would definitely help my other health issues as well. But no matter how much I work on my mindset and make it seem like I have it all under control on the outside, I’m a train wreck on the inside.

Cha ching cha cha ching cha ching

The loud, annoying, embarrassing sounds coming from the Coinstar.
Even more amplified by my ridiculous anxiety.

When I start the Coinstar machine, it is very loud. I feel like everyone is looking at me. Then I begin dumping the clanky coins, which always seems to be never ending. I feel like I’m in my own world just watching the coins, pushing them around as they get stuck, refilling the tray, and so on. It’s almost like a trance. In the meantime, I’m having panic attacks. I get really warm and my face gets red. I feel like everyone knows I’m a mess.

It happens every time without fail. No matter how I approach it or what I tell myself. I’m not entirely sure which part of my mental issues causes it, but it’s not a fun experience. I hate it. I hate the anxiety that comes over me. I don’t care that every few grocery trips, I have to lug a heavy coffee canister full of change to the store. I’m not embarrassed to use the machine. I’m embarrassed that it affects me this way.

I appreciate that we have the change to begin with. Whenever my fiance is sorting and researching his boxes of coins, the less interesting ones go into the canister. It’s recycled money, but it makes me feel better to turn it into Amazon cash to be used on family and household items. Knowing that helps me to get through my silly bout of anxiety. I just wish I could control it better to begin with.

Is It Just Me And My Anxiety?

Against my better judgement, I ventured out today. I had to. We were really low on groceries. I packed my sanitizer, got my mask on, and shoved my anxiety down as far as I could.

The amount of people that are still out and about is amazing to me. I just don’t understand it. Whether, I chose a bad time or not. There shouldn’t be this many people out! Not to mention, they are oblivious to social distancing rules and are rude.

There’s a good portion of people not wearing masks. I realize it’s a choice, but I feel more comfortable wearing one and seeing others wearing one.

I went to a drive through and asked why they weren’t a wearing mask. They replied that they aren’t sick, so there’s no point.
But what if they are? What if they picked it up from a customer and didn’t realize it, didn’t have any symptoms, and continued to spread it to others. That scares me.

The other night, we ordered take out. The delivery guy got entirely too close to me and touched me. He had no mask and no gloves. I didn’t want to be rude and tell him to back off, but I was getting close. What happened to contact-less delivery?

Am I being completely ridiculous?