Tag Archives: anxiety

All, Awareness, Random

IEP Advice

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I’ve been reading a lot about people having issues with this recently. So here’s my advice, as I literally just went through this.

*** If you have an IEP for your child, make sure the school is adhering to it. If not, call a meeting to address it right away. Make requests even if you think they’ll say no. They have to accommodate your child within reason. Always push for whatever your child needs to have the best learning experience possible. ***

I’ve had an IEP for Scarlet for several years. She is autistic with Tourettes, DMDD, ADHD, anxiety, and more. At her own enthusiastic and long thought out request, I switched her from five years of specialized online school to in person learning this year. However, the first day was entirely too overwhelming for her. As much as she wanted to do it, she only made it a few hours, and didn’t return for a week. In the meantime, I requested partial online, part in person learning with shorter days, plus a few other accommodations. They took the day to review it with the director since they don’t do this for anyone else. They approved all of it!!! As she gets more comfortable, or if it doesn’t work out, we can make further adjustments. She went back to school yesterday and loved it!

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All, Mental Health, Random

Try Again Tomorrow?

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I spend every day trying my best to stay on track. It’s been more of a struggle for me lately. As usual, I always have a late start to getting my things done. Yesterday, I actually had the motivation to try to find a therapist or psychiatrist. Usually, I either put it off, forget about it, it’s too late to call, or I’m too overwhelmed to deal with it.

I was determined I’d have an appointment set up by the end of the day. I called the number on the back of my insurance card. The agent referred me to mental health services, who I then called. They nicely gave me a few numbers and directed me to their site. I was feeling pretty decent about things so far. There were a few minor setbacks, but I managed.

I had my list and started calling, but literally every number was incorrect. I started googling to find the right numbers. I was running out of time and panicked. I called my insurance back, and the agent suggested locations nowhere near me. She said she was trying to help me, but I was so frustrated to tears and full of anxiety. I told her she was not helpful, thanked her, and ended the call. I hate when I get like that. And now this lady thinks I’m a jerk. I felt so defeated. I made my way into my bedroom so I could quietly sob for a little while. It took me so long to finally do this, and I struggled through it with no appointment made by the end of the day. Again.

Today, I thought I was doing fairly well. Until just now. I just checked the time, and it’s 6:30PM. My daughter had classes, I had a phone appointment, I cleaned here and there, handled some pet craziness, and I’m not sure what else. Oh, I rewrote this post, because I started writing it yesterday and never finished it. What else didn’t I finish? Oh, I didn’t even think once about calling any of those therapist offices to schedule an appointment to help get my head straight. Seriously. Not one thought. Until now, when it’s too late to call anywhere.

I’ll try again tomorrow, and hope for the best.

All, Awareness, Financial, Random, Updates

The Struggle Is Real

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The struggle really is real, and is a major pain in the buttocks. I nearly threw in the towel and accepted defeat, once again. I had all sorts of plans to share a whole lot of information, updates, financial tips, the freebies I receive, and so much more. I really do want to help everyone I can, without pestering them.

Except, I encounter a slew of roadblocks along the way of trying to do this. I admit that a lot of this is in my head, literally. I have OCD, ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, and on, and on. I’m in a never ending battle with my own self. My mind is constantly going in a ridiculous amount of directions at triple speeds, and I can barely catch up. It’s exhausting, mentally and physically. I also have a ton of stomach issues that are triggered by every little thing. Then add some memory loss, chronic pain, and myalgia to the mix.

Not to mention, of course, being Mom always takes precedence over everything. I have two daughters, our Emotional Support dog, and several fancy rats that keep me on my toes. My youngest daughter has Autism, Tourette’s, DMDD, among other things. I stay in close proximity to her at all times and am always on alert. So it’s sometimes hard to manage other things as well.

I’m not saying any of this as an excuse or for sympathy. A lot of times, in some ways, I actually feel awkward discussing it in general. Yet, I also do want people to know what I experience on a regular basis. I think it helps to know where people are coming from.

A lot of things seem to be a constant struggle for me. It doesn’t matter how tiny or ginormous the issue may be. Nothing really dictates my response to things. For example, a stack of dishes could fall and smash everywhere and I’ll say it’s totally okay, as long as no one was hurt. But God forbid a cup is out of place in the cabinet. I will wreak havoc and lose my mind.

This is just a general recap of most of my sharing experiences…

I find a deal (or even anything in general) that I want to share, and have to decide where to post it. I think how it should be from a central location that can be shared from, but sometimes jump to a different platform. I get hyper focused, putting more thought into it, dissecting it, rewriting again. I want to include as much information as possible, but not be too wordy. I get side tracked a few times, I rethink how to word things, I wonder if anyone will really look at it and if so, what will they think of it, or of even of me. I start to second guess myself, and then my life. I get side tracked again. When I click the app again on my phone, I end up swiping it away. It is either lost forever or saved in my drafts, where I might look at it much later in the future when I’m cleaning things up.

I know, it just sounds like I’m being ridiculous and I should get over it. Believe me, I’ve tried. I push myself all of the time. Sometimes, somehow the more I try, the worse it gets. I can easily become a huge train wreck in no time.

So, in an effort to share deals quickly and easily, without having a mental breakdown or worrying about spamming everyone, I think I may make a Telegram channel. I’m still working out other platforms, so who knows. I also thought about making a blog post for each deal, but I’m pretty sure that my email subscribers would hate me and they will quickly unsubscribe. That would make me extremely sad.

If I decide to use this new channel, my intention is to post often throughout the day. In most cases, that won’t happen. But if it does, it shouldn’t bother anyone too much since they specifically signed up to be inundated with all sorts of savings tips, deals, money makers, rebates, and more.

I suppose I’ll create it and see how I feel about it. Unless of course, no one uses it?

Please don’t let me fall down another rabbit hole…

Does anyone even use Telegram? What is your favorite app to get notifications? Do you have any suggestions for the best ways to share deals quick/often? Comment below with any tips you may have for me.

All, Awareness

Autism Awareness Month

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“April is Autism Awareness month, but every day is Autism Awareness in our home.” This is definitely true.

My youngest daughter Scarlet is 14. She was diagnosed with Autism in 2017. She also has Tourette’s Syndrome, ADHD, Disruptive Mood Deregulation Disorder, and Anxiety. It’s been a very difficult struggle for her on so many levels. It’s also sometimes difficult to pinpoint what is distressing her in particular, since there are so many different symptoms and triggers depending on what is going on.

She has really come to embrace her disabilities, and we have a much better understanding now. I pretty much let Scarlet do whatever she wants to an extent. She’s a good kid, very intelligent, and understanding. She just gets loud and her emotions are extremely heightened. I never yell at her, unless absolutely needed. We have certain code words or things I do to indicate that she is getting out of hand. But that is reserved for when she is screaming or being extremely loud for no reason. When that happens, I yell the word “octavius” and everyone knows it’s time to calm down.

Scarlet’s biggest issue really now is with school. We tried regular school on a few different occasions. Since that didn’t work out very well, we moved on to cyber school a couple years ago. It’s been a bit better, but still not going great.

She gets really overwhelmed easily with school. Last year, she completely shut down and refused to do anything at all. Nothing mattered whatsoever. This year has been a lot better. Scarlet has mandatory live classes that she attends daily. She even participates in class. She gets a decent amount of work done during school. Once in a while, she will need a break. I let her go because of her massive progress she has made already. I don’t want to push her too much and have her shut down all over again.

Her school has her set up in the 504 program with special education. Scarlet is also in a new class where there combine two grades into one. She started with seventh grade and would graduate from eighth. She only has two subjects, with study halls, support sessions, and school therapy. She has difficulty processing things so I sit through each class with her to make sure she is focused and understands. If not, I explain it to her a different way. She made Honor Roll in the first marking period, but failed the second. She has a plan set up to finish out the year in better shape. She will then be in eighth grade, with an opportunity again to graduate ninth by the end of the year.

Other than school, there’s just a few times here and there that there has a major flare up or what we call “episodes”. Regardless, she still gets bouts of massive tics. Whatever she may have going on, she holds it in a bit when we are in public. If I’m with her, she will often hang onto me, sometimes digging her nails into me too. She will especially hold back around certain family members. When that happens, she tends to shake really bad. They don’t believe in disabilities and blame me for Scarlet’s issues. Once she gets home, she lets it all out and it’s usually pretty bad for a little bit.

I hate seeing Scarlet going through so much in general, but I’m very proud of her. She has made incredible progress. She is very open to anyone who wants to know what it’s like to have disabilities and what she experiences on a daily basis. She also loves helping other people who are having issues.

While it’s definitely been difficult for everyone involved, it has also been a positive experience of learning and growing together that has brought us even closer and more in touch with each other. I appreciate that very much.

All, Random

Political Judgement Anxiety

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I made a post on Facebook today. I rarely do that. It was due to the politically enraged posts I’ve been seeing. I have enough anxiety as it is over who will win the election. I just felt the need to express myself. I actually wrote what I wanted to say about a day or two ago, then never shared it. Luckily it was still in my drafts. Of course I read it again and reworded it. Several times. Panic set in. I hesitated multiple times.

Then finally posted this…

I’m sorry for the long post but I feel the need to say this. It’s regarding the recent flood of political posts.

I see my friends and family members arguing either on their own pages or even on public news ones. Or those that say to unfriend them for this or that. I read and continue scrolling, knowing how that person feels. I don’t delete or comment. I don’t normally discuss politics anyways, but it’s to the point that I’ve been worried to even hint who I voted for. I’m afraid I will be judged and will lose some people that I truly consider friends.

That’s sad. It’s sad I’m worried about that, but it’s also sad that some of you would actually delete me just for that reason. I just know how strongly some of you feel and how savage you’ve been. I also know the friendships I’ve had with some of you that I’d hate to lose.

Honestly, I don’t unfriend for different views or ways of life. I do not judge anyone based on age, race, diet preference, religion, gender, music choice, sexual preference, profession, friend affiliation, political party, or what color narwhal you choose to be for the day.

I care that you are a decent human being. That’s it. That’s all. Be good to yourself and others.

Sorry again for the long post. Thanks for reading! 💖🇺🇲🤗✌

After I posted it, I couldn’t breathe. I closed my phone and made dinner. When I checked my notifications, I saw that a few others have agreed. I felt better. I understand having strong views and wanting to be heard, but things are so very out of control. People are only dividing themselves, creating hate and destruction on so many levels.

I’m sure I’ll be judged for wanting things to be all unicorns and sparkles, but then everyone already knows that about me LOL.

Thanks for visiting.

All, Random

Vicious Mental Cycles

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This morning, I had an appointment with my doctor. I’m so happy these have been virtual. I had to go over my mental health treatment plan. The place where I get my head medications and therapy does this every so often. It’s basically to review my progress from where I was last time compared to how I feel now. I’m actually in a lot better of a place than I was before. I knew I was, but not to this extent. It definitely made me feel a lot better.

As per usual, my anxiety and panic attacks are constantly through the roof. I haven’t been on edge quite as much though. Next, you have the out of control OCD and ADHD tendencies. Oh, and my cringing PTSD symptoms are the same. However, I do feel like my depression, anger, and impulses have gotten a lot better. Yeah I’m still a major mess. (My therapist won’t let me say “train wreck” anymore.)

One of my issues that really irritates me is this constant vicous cycle that I keep falling into. To start, and I hate saying it, but I have a really hard time waking up. It’s like my brain is just still numb from the previous day’s craziness. I used to open my eyes and just stare in space, then periodically fall back to sleep. I’ve gotten a lot better with that. I’m up earlier and just get up and start doing things. You know, like a normal person would do.

My mind is constantly racing nonstop. I’m always doing several different projects at once. I get super focused for a while. I also get side tracked really easily. And very often. A lot of the time, I have a hard time prioritizing. I know what’s most important and what should be done first. I also make lists to help me organize. I just feel like everything has to be done right now. Then I get overwhelmed and can’t sort things out or even think straight.

As the day goes on, I’m scrambling to get it all finished. It quickly becomes evening, and I get really upset with myself. I barely did anything on my list, if I even looked at it at all. Over time, I’ve even used several different formats of lists in an attempt to see what will help me the most. I’m still working on that. Bedtime comes and my mind will never shut down.

I feel guilty for sleeping because I still have so many things to do. I feel like I’ve let others down. I want to get up and keep going. I want to write things down that cross my mind. I want to do some brainstorming. I want to hop on the computer and do some tasks or surveys for extra money. Then I worry that I might wake someone up. Or I might sleep in even longer if I stay up too late. I already have a really hard time sleeping. At some point, I finally pass out. I wake up multiple times throughout the night.

Then I struggle to wake up, and do it all again.

It’s a constant struggle, but I am working on it. I’m sorry to anyone this has affected. I really don’t mean for it to happen. It gives me even more anxiety just thinking about it.

Yet, I keep getting stuck in this vicious cycle.

All, Random

What’s In A Name? Anxiety

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I posted earlier today about changes I just made to my site. I mentioned my OCD being a factor. I actually wrote more about it, along with other issues, but I decided to separate the posts.

I would post a lot more, but my anxiety takes control and throws me for a loop. Every single time.

One of the issues that I face constantly is really silly. I have a lot of trouble just naming a post. I do it at the very end and it will literally delay things from being published. I really want something that will capture what I am saying, and will grab someone’s attention.

It’s not just the act of naming the post, it’s what transpires from there.

As I try to find the right words, my anxiety takes over. None of the words seem to fit properly. Then, I wonder if anyone even reads the title and what I have to say, or really cares to begin with. I begin to second guess myself altogether. By then, I’ve already read my post repeatedly. I constantly check for errors, better words, rearrange, and delete things. But, I do it again. Except this time, I determine if it’s even worth posting.

Sometimes, all of this just leads to another post in the drafts folder.

When I do finally hit the publish button, my anxiety and panic takes on a whole other level. I think about who will see it and what people will think of me. Will they judge me? I get embarrassed that I said something stupid, didn’t make sense, or made mistakes.

I also think about the fact that I have followers from all different stages of my life. I am not at all who I was before, or before that. But did they even really know me when the knew me? Probably not. I wonder if I’m judged by a characteristic that I had at that time, but I’ve grown since then. Do they know that?

Does their past judgement affect their current views of what I have to say now, as a very different person.

I know all of this is in my head and a lot of it is trivial. I’m my biggest critic and constantly push myself. I want to do more, but then I feel like it doesn’t matter. I distance myself until I find my inspiration to return.

Sometimes it just helps to know that I’m really helping someone.

All, Random

Invisible? Anxiety Driven Rant

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Sometimes I feel completely invisible. Not heard or seen. I’m not referring to anyone or thing in particular causing it. It’s just a sad feeling in general that comes over me at times. Then I battle through all the emotions that come with it.

Most times, my anxiety takes control and forces me to want to hide. While other times, I feel like I’m jumping up and down screaming look at me! look at me! (like Mr. Meseeks from Rick & Morty)

I hate it. It interferes with so many things. Like, how do I go from one moment of hiding from the world, then the very next moment I feel ignored and get upset. I just want to go one day with zero anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and all those wonderful mental battles. It would definitely help my other health issues as well. But no matter how much I work on my mindset and make it seem like I have it all under control on the outside, I’m a train wreck on the inside.

All, Random

Cha ching cha cha ching cha ching

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The loud, annoying, embarrassing sounds coming from the Coinstar.
Even more amplified by my ridiculous anxiety.

When I start the Coinstar machine, it is very loud. I feel like everyone is looking at me. Then I begin dumping the clanky coins, which always seems to be never ending. I feel like I’m in my own world just watching the coins, pushing them around as they get stuck, refilling the tray, and so on. It’s almost like a trance. In the meantime, I’m having panic attacks. I get really warm and my face gets red. I feel like everyone knows I’m a mess.

It happens every time without fail. No matter how I approach it or what I tell myself. I’m not entirely sure which part of my mental issues causes it, but it’s not a fun experience. I hate it. I hate the anxiety that comes over me. I don’t care that every few grocery trips, I have to lug a heavy coffee canister full of change to the store. I’m not embarrassed to use the machine. I’m embarrassed that it affects me this way.

I appreciate that we have the change to begin with. Whenever my fiance is sorting and researching his boxes of coins, the less interesting ones go into the canister. It’s recycled money, but it makes me feel better to turn it into Amazon cash to be used on family and household items. Knowing that helps me to get through my silly bout of anxiety. I just wish I could control it better to begin with.

All, Random

Is It Just Me And My Anxiety?

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Against my better judgement, I ventured out today. I had to. We were really low on groceries. I packed my sanitizer, got my mask on, and shoved my anxiety down as far as I could.

The amount of people that are still out and about is amazing to me. I just don’t understand it. Whether, I chose a bad time or not. There shouldn’t be this many people out! Not to mention, they are oblivious to social distancing rules and are rude.

There’s a good portion of people not wearing masks. I realize it’s a choice, but I feel more comfortable wearing one and seeing others wearing one.

I went to a drive through and asked why they weren’t a wearing mask. They replied that they aren’t sick, so there’s no point.
But what if they are? What if they picked it up from a customer and didn’t realize it, didn’t have any symptoms, and continued to spread it to others. That scares me.

The other night, we ordered take out. The delivery guy got entirely too close to me and touched me. He had no mask and no gloves. I didn’t want to be rude and tell him to back off, but I was getting close. What happened to contact-less delivery?

Am I being completely ridiculous?