Tag Archives: anxiety

What’s In A Name? Anxiety

I posted earlier today about changes I just made to my site. I mentioned my OCD being a factor. I actually wrote more about it, along with other issues, but I decided to separate the posts.

I would post a lot more, but my anxiety takes control and throws me for a loop. Every single time.

One of the issues that I face constantly is really silly. I have a lot of trouble just naming a post. I do it at the very end and it will literally delay things from being published. I really want something that will capture what I am saying, and will grab someone’s attention.

It’s not just the act of naming the post, it’s what transpires from there.

As I try to find the right words, my anxiety takes over. None of the words seem to fit properly. Then, I wonder if anyone even reads the title and what I have to say, or really cares to begin with. I begin to second guess myself altogether. By then, I’ve already read my post repeatedly. I constantly check for errors, better words, rearrange, and delete things. But, I do it again. Except this time, I determine if it’s even worth posting.

Sometimes, all of this just leads to another post in the drafts folder.

When I do finally hit the publish button, my anxiety and panic takes on a whole other level. I think about who will see it and what people will think of me. Will they judge me? I get embarrassed that I said something stupid, didn’t make sense, or made mistakes.

I also think about the fact that I have followers from all different stages of my life. I am not at all who I was before, or before that. But did they even really know me when the knew me? Probably not. I wonder if I’m judged by a characteristic that I had at that time, but I’ve grown since then. Do they know that?

Does their past judgement affect their current views of what I have to say now, as a very different person.

I know all of this is in my head and a lot of it is trivial. I’m my biggest critic and constantly push myself. I want to do more, but then I feel like it doesn’t matter. I distance myself until I find my inspiration to return.

Sometimes it just helps to know that I’m really helping someone.

Invisible? Anxiety Driven Rant

Sometimes I feel completely invisible. Not heard or seen. I’m not referring to anyone or thing in particular causing it. It’s just a sad feeling in general that comes over me at times. Then I battle through all the emotions that come with it.

Most times, my anxiety takes control and forces me to want to hide. While other times, I feel like I’m jumping up and down screaming look at me! look at me! (like Mr. Meseeks from Rick & Morty)

I hate it. It interferes with so many things. Like, how do I go from one moment of hiding from the world, then the very next moment I feel ignored and get upset. I just want to go one day with zero anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and all those wonderful mental battles. It would definitely help my other health issues as well. But no matter how much I work on my mindset and make it seem like I have it all under control on the outside, I’m a train wreck on the inside.

Cha ching cha cha ching cha ching

The loud, annoying, embarrassing sounds coming from the Coinstar.
Even more amplified by my ridiculous anxiety.

When I start the Coinstar machine, it is very loud. I feel like everyone is looking at me. Then I begin dumping the clanky coins, which always seems to be never ending. I feel like I’m in my own world just watching the coins, pushing them around as they get stuck, refilling the tray, and so on. It’s almost like a trance. In the meantime, I’m having panic attacks. I get really warm and my face gets red. I feel like everyone knows I’m a mess.

It happens every time without fail. No matter how I approach it or what I tell myself. I’m not entirely sure which part of my mental issues causes it, but it’s not a fun experience. I hate it. I hate the anxiety that comes over me. I don’t care that every few grocery trips, I have to lug a heavy coffee canister full of change to the store. I’m not embarrassed to use the machine. I’m embarrassed that it affects me this way.

I appreciate that we have the change to begin with. Whenever my fiance is sorting and researching his boxes of coins, the less interesting ones go into the canister. It’s recycled money, but it makes me feel better to turn it into Amazon cash to be used on family and household items. Knowing that helps me to get through my silly bout of anxiety. I just wish I could control it better to begin with.

Is It Just Me And My Anxiety?

Against my better judgement, I ventured out today. I had to. We were really low on groceries. I packed my sanitizer, got my mask on, and shoved my anxiety down as far as I could.

The amount of people that are still out and about is amazing to me. I just don’t understand it. Whether, I chose a bad time or not. There shouldn’t be this many people out! Not to mention, they are oblivious to social distancing rules and are rude.

There’s a good portion of people not wearing masks. I realize it’s a choice, but I feel more comfortable wearing one and seeing others wearing one.

I went to a drive through and asked why they weren’t a wearing mask. They replied that they aren’t sick, so there’s no point.
But what if they are? What if they picked it up from a customer and didn’t realize it, didn’t have any symptoms, and continued to spread it to others. That scares me.

The other night, we ordered take out. The delivery guy got entirely too close to me and touched me. He had no mask and no gloves. I didn’t want to be rude and tell him to back off, but I was getting close. What happened to contact-less delivery?

Am I being completely ridiculous?