Tag Archives: mentalhealth

Try Again Tomorrow?

I spend every day trying my best to stay on track. It’s been more of a struggle for me lately. As usual, I always have a late start to getting my things done. Yesterday, I actually had the motivation to try to find a therapist or psychiatrist. Usually, I either put it off, forget about it, it’s too late to call, or I’m too overwhelmed to deal with it.

I was determined I’d have an appointment set up by the end of the day. I called the number on the back of my insurance card. The agent referred me to mental health services, who I then called. They nicely gave me a few numbers and directed me to their site. I was feeling pretty decent about things so far. There were a few minor setbacks, but I managed.

I had my list and started calling, but literally every number was incorrect. I started googling to find the right numbers. I was running out of time and panicked. I called my insurance back, and the agent suggested locations nowhere near me. She said she was trying to help me, but I was so frustrated to tears and full of anxiety. I told her she was not helpful, thanked her, and ended the call. I hate when I get like that. And now this lady thinks I’m a jerk. I felt so defeated. I made my way into my bedroom so I could quietly sob for a little while. It took me so long to finally do this, and I struggled through it with no appointment made by the end of the day. Again.

Today, I thought I was doing fairly well. Until just now. I just checked the time, and it’s 6:30PM. My daughter had classes, I had a phone appointment, I cleaned here and there, handled some pet craziness, and I’m not sure what else. Oh, I rewrote this post, because I started writing it yesterday and never finished it. What else didn’t I finish? Oh, I didn’t even think once about calling any of those therapist offices to schedule an appointment to help get my head straight. Seriously. Not one thought. Until now, when it’s too late to call anywhere.

I’ll try again tomorrow, and hope for the best.


I Should Be Sleeping

I really should be sleeping. I know. I always should be doing something I’m not. Especially when it comes to sleeping. The regular world is sleeping. My household is sleeping. At least, I believe my children are asleep. I will be checking on them shortly before I do eventually go to sleep.

I do this every night. Every single night. I don’t mean to. My mind just doesnt stop. I can’t shut it off. Ever. Until it finally shuts down for a few hours to nap. I get up repeatedly. I finally nap for a few more hours.

Then when I finally wake up, I feel like I have to gradually attempt to function in general. On rare occasions, I sprint out of bed, ready to go. Regardless, once I do get myself together, I try to focus. But it doesn’t matter what I do. How I start off. What my mindset is. How determined I am. I always end up with my mind racing in all sorts of directions. I’m constantly doing multiple things at once. I can never seem to catch up.

By the end of the night, I’m freaking out. I’m angry with myself. I’ve accomplished nothing! I’ve accomplished a lot, actually. But nothing that should have been done. It’s very upsetting. I get side tracked. I forget what I was doing and go off to do something else. At some point I will actually wander back to that area and see the mess, then realize I was in the middle of something. Then I work on that for a bit until the next distraction. I’m constantly bouncing around from task to task.

I’ve tried so many things to help me get back on track. I feel bad because my fiance gets upset with me when he thinks I’m doing this on purpose. I try to explain to him that no, I just don’t get things done in general. I mean, it gets done. Just not always right away, not in the correct order, and not at the correct times. So basically, if it dawns on me at 10:30 PM that I wanted to vacuum, then I’ll quick get it done. That’s just a minor example. I do get out of control at times.

I’m pretty sure I would drive anyone crazy. My family knows all this and they love me bunches LOL. They must or they wouldn’t put up with me. Speaking of, I must check on my babies. Then, I need to somehow manage to get some sleep, so I can try to conquer another day. Hopefully I don’t fall into that dreaded trap once again.

My head is already swimming in all the things that need to get done. I just can’t ever make it stop. If it wouldn’t disrupt my household or my complete sleeping schedule, I would get up and do multiple things right now. I really wish I could, but I also do need to be up early. I must place my grocery order. Then I shall see one of my super awesome friends. Let’s hope I don’t jump out of bed minutes before she arrives.

I really should be sleeping already.

Thanks for reading my 1:30 AM ramblings. Good night.

Vicious Mental Cycles

This morning, I had an appointment with my doctor. I’m so happy these have been virtual. I had to go over my mental health treatment plan. The place where I get my head medications and therapy does this every so often. It’s basically to review my progress from where I was last time compared to how I feel now. I’m actually in a lot better of a place than I was before. I knew I was, but not to this extent. It definitely made me feel a lot better.

As per usual, my anxiety and panic attacks are constantly through the roof. I haven’t been on edge quite as much though. Next, you have the out of control OCD and ADHD tendencies. Oh, and my cringing PTSD symptoms are the same. However, I do feel like my depression, anger, and impulses have gotten a lot better. Yeah I’m still a major mess. (My therapist won’t let me say “train wreck” anymore.)

One of my issues that really irritates me is this constant vicous cycle that I keep falling into. To start, and I hate saying it, but I have a really hard time waking up. It’s like my brain is just still numb from the previous day’s craziness. I used to open my eyes and just stare in space, then periodically fall back to sleep. I’ve gotten a lot better with that. I’m up earlier and just get up and start doing things. You know, like a normal person would do.

My mind is constantly racing nonstop. I’m always doing several different projects at once. I get super focused for a while. I also get side tracked really easily. And very often. A lot of the time, I have a hard time prioritizing. I know what’s most important and what should be done first. I also make lists to help me organize. I just feel like everything has to be done right now. Then I get overwhelmed and can’t sort things out or even think straight.

As the day goes on, I’m scrambling to get it all finished. It quickly becomes evening, and I get really upset with myself. I barely did anything on my list, if I even looked at it at all. Over time, I’ve even used several different formats of lists in an attempt to see what will help me the most. I’m still working on that. Bedtime comes and my mind will never shut down.

I feel guilty for sleeping because I still have so many things to do. I feel like I’ve let others down. I want to get up and keep going. I want to write things down that cross my mind. I want to do some brainstorming. I want to hop on the computer and do some tasks or surveys for extra money. Then I worry that I might wake someone up. Or I might sleep in even longer if I stay up too late. I already have a really hard time sleeping. At some point, I finally pass out. I wake up multiple times throughout the night.

Then I struggle to wake up, and do it all again.

It’s a constant struggle, but I am working on it. I’m sorry to anyone this has affected. I really don’t mean for it to happen. It gives me even more anxiety just thinking about it.

Yet, I keep getting stuck in this vicious cycle.