Sometimes I feel completely invisible. Not heard or seen. I’m not referring to anyone or thing in particular causing it. It’s just a sad feeling in general that comes over me at times. Then I battle through all the emotions that come with it.
Most times, my anxiety takes control and forces me to want to hide. While other times, I feel like I’m jumping up and down screaming look at me! look at me! (like Mr. Meseeks from Rick & Morty)
I hate it. It interferes with so many things. Like, how do I go from one moment of hiding from the world, then the very next moment I feel ignored and get upset. I just want to go one day with zero anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and all those wonderful mental battles. It would definitely help my other health issues as well. But no matter how much I work on my mindset and make it seem like I have it all under control on the outside, I’m a train wreck on the inside.
The loud, annoying, embarrassing sounds coming from the Coinstar.
Even more amplified by my ridiculous anxiety.
When I start the Coinstar machine, it is very loud. I feel like everyone is looking at me. Then I begin dumping the clanky coins, which always seems to be never ending. I feel like I’m in my own world just watching the coins, pushing them around as they get stuck, refilling the tray, and so on. It’s almost like a trance. In the meantime, I’m having panic attacks. I get really warm and my face gets red. I feel like everyone knows I’m a mess.
It happens every time without fail. No matter how I approach it or what I tell myself. I’m not entirely sure which part of my mental issues causes it, but it’s not a fun experience. I hate it. I hate the anxiety that comes over me. I don’t care that every few grocery trips, I have to lug a heavy coffee canister full of change to the store. I’m not embarrassed to use the machine. I’m embarrassed that it affects me this way.
I appreciate that we have the change to begin with. Whenever my fiance is sorting and researching his boxes of coins, the less interesting ones go into the canister. It’s recycled money, but it makes me feel better to turn it into Amazon cash to be used on family and household items. Knowing that helps me to get through my silly bout of anxiety. I just wish I could control it better to begin with.