I posted earlier today about changes I just made to my site. I mentioned my OCD being a factor. I actually wrote more about it, along with other issues, but I decided to separate the posts.
I would post a lot more, but my anxiety takes control and throws me for a loop. Every single time.
One of the issues that I face constantly is really silly. I have a lot of trouble just naming a post. I do it at the very end and it will literally delay things from being published. I really want something that will capture what I am saying, and will grab someone’s attention.
It’s not just the act of naming the post, it’s what transpires from there.
As I try to find the right words, my anxiety takes over. None of the words seem to fit properly. Then, I wonder if anyone even reads the title and what I have to say, or really cares to begin with. I begin to second guess myself altogether. By then, I’ve already read my post repeatedly. I constantly check for errors, better words, rearrange, and delete things. But, I do it again. Except this time, I determine if it’s even worth posting.
Sometimes, all of this just leads to another post in the drafts folder.
When I do finally hit the publish button, my anxiety and panic takes on a whole other level. I think about who will see it and what people will think of me. Will they judge me? I get embarrassed that I said something stupid, didn’t make sense, or made mistakes.
I also think about the fact that I have followers from all different stages of my life. I am not at all who I was before, or before that. But did they even really know me when the knew me? Probably not. I wonder if I’m judged by a characteristic that I had at that time, but I’ve grown since then. Do they know that?
Does their past judgement affect their current views of what I have to say now, as a very different person.
I know all of this is in my head and a lot of it is trivial. I’m my biggest critic and constantly push myself. I want to do more, but then I feel like it doesn’t matter. I distance myself until I find my inspiration to return.
Sometimes it just helps to know that I’m really helping someone.